By India “Indy” Savage Nightingale and Alison “Ally” Nightingale Zano – Rock Chicks
Ally: First off, a Rock Chick wouldn’t read a “How To.”
Indy: Shut up, Ally! Don’t tell them first off not to read this. Now, no one’s gonna read any further.
Ally: Okay, then the first thing I’ll say is that most Rock Chicks only read “How To’s” for curiosity sake, or to laugh their ass off. Like all those magazines that say, “How to get rid of cellulite” and then they tell you to pound your body with rolling pins. What is UP with THAT? Don’t pound your body with rolling pins, that’s just wrong.
Indy: I agree with no pounding of rolling pins on body parts.
Ally: Thank you.
Indy: Though I use those body brush things before I shower, you know, do a dry brush, slough off dead skin, get the circulation going.
Ally: Oh yeah, me too. That feels nice, looks fab after the shower too.
Indy: Lee thinks I’m crazy. The first time he saw me doing the dry brush, he just stood there in the bathroom staring at me like he was going to take my temperature. Then he said, “What the fuck are you doing?” and when I explained, he shook his head and walked out, mumbling something I couldn’t quite catch.
Ally: Men don’t get the dry brush.
Indy: Men don’t get a lot of things. Although, I think I’d be a might concerned if Lee understood the body brush.
Ally: Yeah, I can see that. If I had a man who did the dry brush, or even understood it, I’d be concerned too.
Indy: And anyway, there’s a lot of things Lee DOES get. A lot. Alotalot. [pause] Mmmm.
Indy: Did I already say a lot?
Ally: Are you perving on my brother right in front of me?
Indy: You’re the one who wanted us to get together! We’re together. You gotta deal with the perv every once in awhile. Your brother his hot, in a lot of ways. A lot. Alotalot.
Ally: I get it! He’s a lot hot! Can we move on? Aren’t we supposed to be doing a How To?
Indy: Oh yeah. Right. Okay sisters…in other words, we’re saying that the first rule of How to Be a Rock Chick is be yourself and don’t let anyone tell you how to be.
Ally: Or what to wear.
Indy: Oh yeah, NEVER let anyone tell you what to wear.
Ally: Unless he’s gay, of course. Gay men can tell you what to wear.
Indy: Yes, that’s Rule Two of How to Be a Rock Chick. Never let anyone tell you what to wear unless they’re gay men. And ESPECIALLY don’t let anyone tell you what to wear if they say something like, “That’s too young for you.”
Ally: I know! I HATE that! What, exactly, is too young? I mean, sure, if I walked around in a onesie, that would be too young. Not to mention weird.
Indy: What else?
Ally: Never let anyone tell you what to do.
Indy: Especially a man, unless he’s instructing you on how to change the oil, of course, should you not already know how to change your oil. If you do and he’s out there with you being bossy and know it all, just ignore him and do your own thing.
Ally: Or he can tell you what to do if he’s saving your ass from getting shot at, kidnapped or the like.
Indy: Yes, those are caveats, a man can tell you what to do when you’re getting shot at, kidnapped, stalked, etc. And as an aside, you probably better listen to him. Take my word for it, you might think you could handle yourself, say, when you’ve being threatened with a stun gun or car bombs are exploding around you, but you can’t. Trust me on this. If he says, “Stay in the house, there are car bombs exploding,” don’t get any clever ideas. Just stay in the house.
Ally: You got that right, sister. BUT if he says, “Should you really have that third piece of cake?” you are well within your Rock Chick Rights to pick up the rest of the cake and throw it at him.
Indy: I wouldn’t actually throw the cake. That would be cake wastage which is pretty close to blasphemy.
Ally: Okay, then you’re within your rights to throw SOMETHING at him.
Indy: Agreed. Bottom line, Rock Chicks, do what you like, within reason, but listen to your man if you’re getting shot at.
Ally: Yeah, say, if your gig is to hack people up in your garage, then that’s bad.
Indy: Very, VERY bad.
Ally: Creepy, off-the-charts bad.
Indy: But if someone says, “You shouldn’t eat that.”
Ally: Or, “Act your age.”
Indy: Or, “It’s crass for women to drink direct from the beer bottle.”
Ally: Or, “You can’t come back here, you don’t have a backstage pass.”
Indy: Screw ’em.
Ally: Yeah, don’t listen to them.
Indy: Do your own thing.
Ally: Be your own person.
Indy: Listen to your own music.
Ally: Dance to your own beat.
Indy: Wear what you like and like who you are.
Ally: Now THAT, sisters, is being a Rock Chick.
Indy: You bet your ass!